Monday, February 26, 2007

The Adventures of Anj and Tammy Chapter 5

Chapter five

“Have a nice day!” I said, plastering a stupid grin on my face.

Tammy was not in the best of moods. “Why the hell do we have to go undercover as McDonald’s employees?” she asked, dusting sesame seeds off her hands.

“ONE, we’re getting paid, TWO, we’re getting paid, and THREE – McDonalds is the forefront of Dr. Alikakka’s evil scheme!”

“Ah. Now tell me why we couldn’t have just snuck into his lair via the sewer?”

I rolled my eyes. This child clearly did not get it.

“ONE, because we’re getting paid, TWO, because we’re getting paid, and THREE – because I just did my hair and I wouldn’t really appreciate it taking on the odor of human fecal matter.”


“Tammy! Anjalie!” called Mr.BossFernando, the manager of the Kollupitiya branch. “Bring up another six boxes of hamburger patties from our holding area in the sewers!”

“Aye aye, Boss!” I said, snapping my heels together and giving the man a quick salute. “Come on, Tammy!” I said, grabbing her wrist. “This is the chance we’ve been waiting for!”

“I thought you wanted to avoid the sewers at any possible cost?” she said sarcastically.

“Aaaapo! If you want to be all high-and-mighty then you’re free to go to Arpico, hari da, missy?”

“What? Anj, I-”

“Sssshhh!!! Follow me!”

With a dramatic flourish of my right arm, I threw Tammy through the back door and bounded in after her. Needless to say, the result was not pretty.

“URGH!” she exclaimed upon landing in a pile of pig muck.

I rolled my eyes. “Can’t you be serious for once? Look where you’re going, will you?”

“Oh, sure!” she sneered. “After all, you always know what you’re doing, right?”

Now you know me, no? Sarcasm rolls off me like water off a duck’s back. I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about.

“Huh? Yeah, I usually do.”

“Oh, God. Nevermind.”

I shrugged. Really, sometimes Tammy was just too strange. Like her reaction that day in Form two when she found me eating peanut butter and poll-sambol sandwiches; or when I wore my underwear over my trousers and a nose ring to scare away the evil spirits living in the canteen…and lets not forget the day she made Milo™ with TWO SPOONS OF CHOCOLATE ONLY! (dundundunnnn!!!)

“Anj? Anj? ANJ! I’ve been talking to you for the past ten minutes! I bet you weren’t listening to a word I’ve been saying!”

“I WAS!” I cried indignantly. “You were talking about Merl Aunty’s thyroid condition!”

“No, I was actually wondering how much time we have left before the hamsters are released.”

“Oh. Well, I’m close enough.”


“What were you saying again?”

“I said, I was wondering how much time we have.”

“We have until four hours after the next power cut.”

“Four hours until after the next power cut?”

“Four hours until after the next power cut,” I replied, nodding. A sick sensation was spreading through every fibre of my being like tuberculosis in a washing machine. Something was defenitely wrong here. I could feel it.

“Four hours until after the next power cut…” I repeated, scratching my chin thoughtfully.

“Four hours until after the next power cut!!!” cried Tammy in panic.

Oh no! I thought. Not this again!

Concentrating all my energy into a little plastic teacup, I realised that the only way to get through this was to communicate telepathically with Tammy.

Tammy! I telephathicky-fied.

Anj? Anj, wtf is going on??AAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You need to calm down, woman. If you don’t, it means Dr. Phlemulus has already won!

You’re right! She thought, and paused to contemplate the absurdity of the situations we end up in.

Can you explain this strange phenomenon? I asked.

According to my calculations, she thinked, it would appear that the odiferous fumes of this sewer are interrupting the impulses in our liddle neurones, hence we cannot communicate with each other through speech…and all we can say is ‘four hours after the next power cut.’

But why that?

She shrugged. I dunno.

A pause, then;

I have an idea!

I asked.

I brought with me these custom-made gas masks from that time we posing as sewage technicians to steal the Jade Buddha back from George Bush and return it to China in return for our bounty of bounty!

I like bounty, I reminicised. It tastes nice, for coconut.

Here! She said, throwing me one. Wear this!


Once we were properly attired, I opened my mouth to speak.

“That was a great idea, Tammy,” I said, patting the lass on the back.

“I know,” she said, grinning (although I couldn’t see this since we were both wearing gas masks).

Suddenly, we heard voices approaching fast around the bend. “Shit!” hissed Tammy as we both ducked behind a pair of large plastic C.M.C garbage bins.

“What men aiiyo come what, no?!” exclaimed one.

“Aney what will you men what come, so?”

“No, meya! Big Boss hari ants in his pants-la itsims.”

“They’re Dr. Alikakka’s evil Henchaiiyas!” whispered Tammy. “Daymn! And they’re speaking in some strange primitive language! What do we do now?”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “Let me handle this.”

“Anj, NO-!”

But it was too late. I stepped into the light and view of the three evil henchaiiyas.

The tallest one, the one with a handlebar moustache and a blue sarong raised his head to greet me.

“Aah, Nangi!!!”

To be continued…